week 917 EP
It was always kinda of difficult to explain my intentions with my EP week 917. Definitely sounds a little too vague, a different taste of what I'm used to do, as far as your typical miwafoxl standards go. I feel like it needed so more context & commentary in order to be appreciated as intended. Some expressed that this EP sounds weird, although I understand it's maybe my fault by not making the idea stand out more.
So, this EP have quite a expressionist approach, where I didn't quite thought anything much about it until it was done, just mashing emotions together, result of an on-going self-destructing depression that I was having at production time. My commitment to express myself here is somewhat rare, I'm particularly good at suppressing my own feelings, wouldn't recommend. The goal of the album wasn't to sound sad or anything, naturally it ended up sounding just that on it's own, likely because of ... well, expressions?
Tr.3 'sleep disorder' and Tr.5 'tomorrow' probably sound the weirdest ones, but they're the actual embodiment of what I was feeling during production. Disorder, chaos, vagueness, not soulless but soul ... -like — if that makes sense. Tr.2 'quasar' and Tr.4 'vanilla' were more relifs in the chaos. Little windows of comfort, like eating a chocolate bar or a vanilla ice cream entirely to aliviate my psychological pain. (I swear I'm actually fit)
It's important to understand that my relationship with my family has been (still is) on a free fall. At the point I made this EP, everything that was going on in the house I was living was always very disturbing to me, things like hearing animal cruelty have tormented me and seemingly no one near could relate. If I ever tried to make reason with my mother like "well that's not very nice yknow", because of her and my stepfather being just plain narcissistic robots without any sense of the collective or ... empathy, it wouldn't help at all. Hell, they would make fun of me instead and once again I would look like an idiot because I expressed a different conclusion in a obvious scenario like that. I can't even share my values without being wrong because I even grew different values of what my family seeks. This, unfortunately, happened to me for my entire childhood (though not as strong) and it taught me to always put myself into a corner, suppress me and what I have to say, which lead to me to develop a few social disorders, depression, anxiety and all that good stuff.
Mid 2019, I lost the sense of purpose really quick because of those things happening over and over again, and thus I was mildly committed to kill myself seeing that there is little that I could do to keep going forward. Without disclosing it too much, in 2019 I found out that I was transgender after researching about that funny little feeling that I didn't understand, where before that I just assumed that I like doing girly stuff and thus I was gay, which was an uncorrelated assumption. That finding was good and a very important turning point in my life and please don't get me wrong on this: I'm not a fan of involving gender with this. This is a point where I understood that my so called "problems" that my family labeled me were ultimately caused by a singular "core" problem, that being me, misunderstanding myself! It took me time to understand why I was feeling that way. I'm fairly skeptical about this kinda of stuff (maybe that's good) - took me more 2 years to actually convince me that I have gender disassociation. Skipping through most of the details, with this knowledge I was free to go further, convinced that I live in a fucked up situation.
week 917 represents how many weeks I've lived up until this point, or how many weeks I've left to live (I don't remember exactly, sorry...). I now understand that the problem were some of my parents who left me completely voiceless and scared to even the simplest of thoughts, until I catched up and grew mature enough to understand the whole situation I was in. I felt a little euphoria at the beginning, but up until the point I left my mother's house I was feeling incredibly empty, vague, disconnected from the world, dreaded, like if I was nothing worth the time of anyone. Everything felt like forever, time seems to have slow down a lot, althought I didn't idealized suicide as much after discovering my gender.
Musically speaking, the tracks are not groundbreaking but I like the way the turn out. Also, I'm safer now and ... less unstable. I'm not disclosing details out because I'm not a fan of disclosing life here, no one cares, this is just the relevant stuff to understand the context of the EP.
I'm doing an ambient LP.
Thanks for reading
